Hello there, Kind Readers.
It seems like every week there is more and more excitement around here. We had Larry’s birthday, a wonderful 2nd Cabaret Night (emcee-ed by yours truly), and I hear there are even changes in store for the d’Mongo’s website.
The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the poolboy is giving fine service. What a wonderful time to be in Detroit!
And a horrible time to be anywhere else! Allow me to explain.
I was recently called upon by my dear friend (and the finest DJ I know) to come to Ypsilanti and be part of ELBOW DEEP’s one year anniversary. Also invited was my close friend and talented blogger, SuperGay Detroit.
With the poolboy on my arm and schtick in my heart, off I went! It was a nice time with some lovely and hard working people, but my standup set didn’t go over very well. Yes, my tried and true comedy gold (that has gotten me laid on dozens of occasions, I feel compelled to add) barest got a titter from the crowd. Then it hit me like my second wife’s hammy fist: It’s fine to visit elsewhere, but Detroit is the best place to be! And although they can be attractive in a youthful dopey way, those Ypsi kids ain’t got a thing on us Detroiters.
We have heart and are quite clever–and there is only enough pretense here to be endearing, not disgusting.
Detroit has a small but devoted group of ‘alternative queers’ who work hard every day to better their blight-addled world. They are making art few will see, hosting beautifully musicked dance parties in seedy bars, and editing video montages people will barely watch but all the way love. People are producing events here that would be smash successes anywhere else in the world. But more than anything, these alternative queers bring us all just a little closer together, even if only for a sweaty dance or a shared glass of booze.
And it’s not just queers. Oh no! Detroit has quick witted men from the street opening their hearts and doors so like minded individuals can have a place to meet and get blotto (and maybe come up with some great ideas while doing it). We have little jewesses trying to save a decrepit synagogue , movie theaters in school houses, silver foxes on their neighborhood watch, and prize winning journalists editing a tiny advice column. So many new and unique businesses and artists are struggling to grow like weeds in a place that most of America (and some monthly magazines) have written off.
Taking a step away makes me realize just how very lucky I am to be a part of Detroit. Thank you to everyone who makes it possible to love this City every day!!!
Oh hell, it looks like I took some uppers instead of downers with my gin gimlet . . .
Allow me to take a little something to even me out.
Aha! Now. On to your questions.
DEAR Robert,
My question may be awful, but it’s sincere!
I have a crush on a guy but he’s sort of flakey. He’s asked me to “hang out” on more than one occasion but in a really aloof way. Like “I’m busy for the next week but we should get together after that.” Is this timid dude speech for ‘I want to take you on a date’ or is this musician-speak for ‘I want to make out with you behind the Magic Stick.’
Yours,
Single and Confused
DON’T worry, Single.
My answer may be awful but I will be equally sincere!
You would be surprised by how many times I am asked this question or a variant of. It sounds like he could want to ask you on a date. Or he may just be a polite pussy. (To read more about polite pussies, please see last week’s column.) You need to take the reigns, my dear. Next time you talk to him say ‘in one week on Tuesday, at 8:30pm, I would like to you to join me for dinner and some cocktails.’
If he says yes, he is just a man who needs a little push. If he makes some lame excuse with no concrete raincheck date, ditch him and be happy you didn’t end up stuck with this blithering, wishy-washy dope that isn’t even into you.
Either way, show up at the Magic Stick*on April 10th to see the Spitting Nickles. During the opening act ask him to join you outside for some fresh air. Then eat his face.
DEAR Robert,
I am going on a date and I ordered the perfect little black number online. When it arrived it was much too tight in the chest, but there isn’t time to send it back. What should I do?
Top heavy in Troy
DEAR Top,
Wear it. Even assmen like me love tits. Have fun and be safe!
That’s all the time we have this week, I promise I’ll stay off my soap box and answer even more of your compelling questions next week!
*The Spitting Nickels will be performing at The Majestic Cafe April 10th, not the Magic Stick.
Robert you are oh-so-correct! We are our own little Village of Misfit Toys here in Detroit, and you are our very own Charlie-in-a-Box!
You know, I’ve Jacked in a box- but never Charlied…
Dear Robert-
I love my day job, but my boss is a little passive aggressive. He has developed the habit of asking me to go down to the front office to pick up packages when they arrive. I don’t mind sharing office responsibilities, but sometimes the deliveries are personal stuff for him that have nothing to do with the office. It was fine at first, but he started getting more and more crude about it. Instead of asking, now he just says ‘package’ when he gets off the phone with the front office people, as tho I am supposed to interpret that to mean now it’s time for me to go do the dirty work.
Next time he asks, I’m thinking of asking to go grab it himself. Is that bad?